Soon after our time in Kosovo, tired and weary from travel, I sit down at a small café in Skopje, Macedonia. I attempt to order some kind of caffeinated beverage, which results in a delicious iced macchiato. Success.
The lack of Wi-Fi directs my attention toward my journal instead of my emails. I sit quietly, trying to calm my heart while I desire to escape into my Facebook newsfeed and notes from friends.
“You are a jealous God and You want all of my heart,” I acknowledge with written words.
He’s brought me out of my comfort zone yet again, beckoning me to seek Him in His word. As I write and process the past few days, my attention turns to these desires which surface when I sit in silence. While I reflect upon a passage in the Old Testament, I’m drawn to the intimacy of God. Two times He asks the prophet Elijah, “What are you doing here?” He has His servant to reaffirm his call. I sense God asking me the same thing – now that I know my direction isn’t to serve Him in Poland; I wonder what my next step ought to be. What am I doing here?
What follows is my journal entry from that day.
You continue to bring this to mind, my desire to be married. My desire to serve you in my marriage as I serve my husband and as I serve and raise up my children. I know none of this will be easy and I know that it can only happen if You will it to. And You orchestrate it. I feel as though You are preparing me for this and allowing my heart to be open and willing to follow You anywhere. “To lose your life for another, I’ve heard, is a good way to begin…” Jesus, I want to do this in marriage. But in the meantime, help me to loose my life for the people You have put in my life right now.
I ache for eternity. To be in your perfect presence, to be surrounded by Your love, to have no more pain, no more goodbyes. I want to see the world through Your eyes. I want to see You in light of all of these cultures around me. I want to understand my thinking in light of my own culture. I want to embrace the value of my culture, but I want to be a child of Your Kingdom and live as a foreigner wherever I am on this earth. I don’t really fit perfectly anywhere. My passport says USA, but my citizenship is in heaven and I am of the royal priesthood.
You are so gracious in thrusting me from my comfort zone in these past two years. More, even. Since college, really. You have changed my concept of home, love, and value. You have used people and places to make me view the world differently.
I want to work in mobilization outside of the USA. I would love to work with the Philippine Sending Council. Is that You putting that desire on my heart? I want to train, teach, disciple. I want to do this married. But in the meantime, I will do these things where you have planted me. I will invest and I will love. “
I hear Jason Gray sing: “The angel of your presence comforts me… in our loss we learn to trust that You are all we need…” As I’m reading – “the angel of the Lord” is comforting Elijah (1 Kings 19).
You, oh Jehovah – You were not in the wind, nor the earthquake, nor the fire. You were found in the “thin silence.” In this, Elijah heard you. Calm my heart to hear you in thin silence. In this passage, Elijah was about to give up – and You provided for his needs, asked him for his purpose and heart, then gave him his next direction. I hear You giving me direction, but I cannot take those steps apart from You. At the same time, I do not want to put all of my energy into thinking on this future plan and miss opportunities around me. Would you tether my heart to hope in You and to trust that You will orchestrate my future? I don’t want to cling to a plan; I want to cling to You and Your word and the truth of who You are.