I ask myself that question a lot, but then when I really think about it I realize that OF COURSE He’s moving in big ways and I just can’t see it yet. The worst part is that my fear so easily gets in the way – it gets in the way of me talking about it and it gets in the way of me acting on it or moving forward. It gets in the way of me being myself and living out how God created me and it gets in the way of me even acknowledging that fact.
Reading Brennan Mannings, The Ragamuffin Gospel has been a breath of fresh air for me so far. I have a couple of favorite quotes from my reading so far, here’s one of them:
“Why am I afraid to dance, I who love music and rhythm and grace and song and laughter? Why am I afraid to live, I who love life and the beauty of flesh and the living colors of the earth and sky and sea? Why am I afraid to love, I who love love?” Eugene O’Neill, The Great God Brown (Quoted on page 18)
This is really how I’ve been feeling these past couple of months. Why am afraid to live the way I WANT to live, the way I desire to live? Why am I afraid of deep community? Why I am afraid of dancing in the rain? Of laughing loudly? Of loving with all of my heart?
I say that this has been the year of transition, but isn’t all of life a transition? What are we transitioning to and from? Maybe it’s different for every person and maybe we all have a common thread.
So I’m still support raising, though that number hasn’t moved very much lately. Right now, I think that’s okay because I know that it is God I serve – and He’s teaching me so much through this process. A lot of that, is waiting on HIS timing. I may say that a lot, but I think that I’m believing it more and more. I’ve been putting so much pressure on myself and not letting myself REST because there’s always more to do. But right now it feels like God’s saying to me, “Wait for me. I’ve got this. Watch Me work.” And as you all know, that’s not easy to do. Especially when the answer to “What are You doing?!” isn’t quite clear. But that’s okay, because it’s faith we walk by anyway. One day at a time.