Going back to the original intention of this blog, I realize that I’m not keeping you nearly as updated as I should be! Perhaps it’s my lack of creative writing talent, or my lack of motivation (this blog has 8 readers on a good day!), or my lack of time. Yet I venture to admit it’s a combination of all three. All pithy (or attempts at such) blog entries aside, what truly is going on in my life? If this is intended to follow the life of a missionary appointee, then it should include the good, bad, and the ugly. I find it easy to write about the good, but the last two make me more apprehensive. Here’s my attempt.
I now understand why this “line of work,” if you will, isn’t for everyone. I understand that you need to really want to do it (well, really feel called by God) in order to make it through the support raising process. At this point, the question for me is not so much “Am I doing the right thing?” but “Am I doing enough?” This is likely due to my characteristic as a recovering perfectionist (maybe a little light on the “recovering” part these days). Each day I know I should be doing something and unlike college, there’s no “pat on the back” each time an assignment is complete… there’s still more to do. The “end of the semester,” so to speak is an undetermined time, an ambiguous goal to work toward while having faith that God will indeed bring it about.
That said, I’m struggling with settling here knowing that I’m going to be leaving. Then my training for February got postponed until July and now I know I’ll be here for at least six months – news that was an answer to prayer for many of my friends here and an answer to prayer in a different way for me. I have an idea of a time frame now and though it’s not exactly what I had in mind, it’s something concrete nonetheless. It was a good-kick-in-the-pants reminder to be fully where I am. And I think I’m starting to do this: last night being vulnerable with a friend and later going out for dinner with a group when I wanted to withdraw. This is my community. Now, my community isn’t down the hall or in the cafeteria or in chapel together three times a week. I must be intentional, I must be open, I must be willing.