One weekend ago I was doing my job. I was a mobilizer (well, getting a taste of it anyway). Tonight, I sit at my computer in my living room researching flights to St. Louis at the same time I research the political positions of our town elected officials. Yes, tomorrow is election day and in a small town it can get pretty exciting. The moment does well to symbolize how I feel right now. I’m frustrated. Frustrated with local government and how I have no idea who to vote for (and there are 21 choices to make!). I’m frustrated with being caught between where I am and where I’d like to be, yet knowing that in God’s plan I am exactly where I am supposed to me. I’m excited for travel and for Urbana (hence St. Louis). I’m excited for what I’m working toward doing. And even though there’s this excitement, it is only lingering at the moment. Last weekend while in New Jersey, Pennsylvania, and Massachusetts I felt the excitement – I felt as though I was right where I needed to be doing exactly what I am created to do (for this time). Yet now while I am sitting at home, I feel like I’m floating. Perhaps this is an attributed feeling to the time of transition (I’ve talked to others with similar experiences) – floating through a time where everything is new – the choices, the options, the uncontrollable chaos of life. Perhaps it is because I thrive when I am out of my comfort zone (don’t we all?) and right now as I sit on my couch in my sweatpants in the place that has been “retreat” for the past 5 years,” I’m comfortable. But at the same time I’m not. I’m not comfortable in my comfort zone anymore because I know I was born live on the edge – depending solely on God. But dependence is not dependent on circumstance or environment, we do whether we know it or not, live in constant dependence on God because He is in control of our seeming uncontrollable world.
… even who will win for town government tomorrow and what flight I will take to St. Louis.