I can see God’s hand and provision in small ways, and I am thankful. On the other hand, I still worry and get frustrated and get scared, especially about where money is going to come from. Today I was reading Matthew 14:28-32, when Jesus walks on water. And this stood out most to me — “O you of little faith, why do you doubt?” And the first time I just read over it, as if the whole thing were a story. Then I remembered something I read yesterday in our church devotional, Just Courage, “We don’t believe something by merely saying we believe it, or even when we believe that we believe it. We believe something when we act as if it were true” (Dallas Willard). And God has been challenging me with a similar question — How would my life be different, if I actually believed this to be true? How would my life look if I believed, really believed, that everything in the Bible and about the character of God is true? So I read Jesus’ words again. “O you of little faith, why do you doubt?” How is this story different if I actually BELIEVE and LIVE LIKE Jesus really did walk on water? (And why do I read it simply like a story to begin with? Why do I doubt?) And that Peter walked on water too too! It would make the world of difference.
I feel as though I can relate to this story in so many ways. God has asked me to “Come” and step outside of my comfort zone, outside of what my culture deems as a normal, secure job. So I step outside of my boat and I begin to walk on water. But the winds come – my car dies, my support doesn’t come in fast, my car dies again, I don’t get as many work hours as I’d like, I feel frustrated, I feel alone… (it’s a long wind) – and I start to sink. Peter says, “Lord, save me!” I say that too. “Lord, help me. Save me. Rescue me from my disbelief, from my little faith, from my worries which I know shouldn’t worry me!” And Jesus reaches out and takes hold of Peter. But you know what, I’m going to venture and make an assumption here – Peter could have kept walking on water. He doubted. But Jesus still lifted him back up.
I doubt too. My aunt asked me that question today, “Don’t you ever doubt what you’re doing?” Yes, I do. I did when I sat down with my dad last week and discussed finances. And yet, even though doing this defies much human logic, I know in my heart that it is exactly what I am supposed to be doing. I am where I am supposed to be. The Lord has called me to this for His reasons. And in His faithfulness, I have faith. In Him I trust and I keep taking those next steps, even when the winds get stronger, even when my heart gets tired, because I know that even if I fall, He’ll pull me up out of the water.