I wrote this just before leaving for English Camp but never got the chance to post it:
Something clicked today. I can’t tell you if it was walking around the Gardens with Stephen, or praying really hard last night, or working up the guts to say something into the heart of a friend. I can’t tell you if it was my conversation with Susan or if it was the energy that I get from preparing for camp. Maybe it’s a culmination of all of them and maybe it’s simply the work of the Lord. Either way, I feel as though I have found myself. And maybe I wasn’t lost to begin with, so maybe the Lord has just chosen to reveal to me a piece of what I have to offer this crazy world. This week, I began to feel like an adult. Sitting at Susan’s kitchen table as she confides in me issues of the heart, I think – “I’m just a kid!” And I remember – no, I am an adult and I am her peer. We are sisters in Christ and she is my co-laborer. I will share her burdens and she will share mine – this is what we do. So perhaps this confidence also comes from my realization that I can speak into the life of a person with age and experience like Susan. I gave her positive feedback about her writing and I challenged her with what to present to churches. I spoke for my generation and for the Truth that needs to be shared. I expressed something I whole-heartedly believe in.
Maybe, too, it is my upcoming FACING of death – visiting Jagoda’s grave. Maybe the pieces of my life and this past year are starting to, in fact, come together. Maybe it is when my heart is most broken that it becomes most alive.
Perhaps it is coming to a completely different country, living outside of my comfort zone, learning to rely on prayer and on God for even grocery shopping or whether or not I will be able to use the toilet (or if there even will be a toilet). I wonder if it’s being completely outside of my own culture that lets me see just what parts of me are ME – and that who I am and what I represent to the world is far greater than being “American.” I represent LOVE. I am an ambassador of the Creator of this earth and the creator of man.
I bring joy to this world. I bring the joy I experience through the blood of Jesus Christ. I can only have this joy when I am broken by my sinfulness, I accept my weakness, and I rely on God’s strength. I bring to this world myself – pure and unadulterated, because Christ has redeemed my soul. I have something of value to offer. I am a jar made of clay which has been crafted – IS BEING CRAFTED – in the Father’s hands so that He can carry His message of salvation, redemption, forgiveness, and LOVE to the ends of the Earth.
And in Him I am found.